Archives For Marriage/Family

Small Choices Determine Your Destiny

It is not the big, dramatic choices that determine the direction of your life as much as the small everyday choices. Choosing to get up fifteen minutes earlier to read the bible and pray; choosing to exercise regularly; choosing to eat something besides the extra ice cream; choosing to change the channel; choosing not to search Facebook for your old girlfriend; there are many simple choices that we make that determine our direction in life. I heard a good friend make the statement, “You are only one choice away from a different life.” I have spent much time pondering that statement and I believe it is true in both a negative and a positive way.

I have known many people who have experienced the truth of that statement through a bad choice. Think about it. The choice to have an affair, to drive drunk, to take illegal drugs, to steal something when you think no one is watching, and so many other bad choices can lead you to a completely different life. It can ruin your reputation, your family life, your finances, and so much more.

When you think about it from a positive standpoint, however, it has even more power to change you and lead you to a different life. That is the power of the gospel. One choice can change you forever. You can choose to receive Christ, to get baptized, to start tithing, to get in a small group, to begin serving and your life will be forever changed. When I think of the power of this I am almost overwhelmed with the positives and possibilities. You can choose to live on a budget and manage your money. You can choose to live a healthier lifestyle through diet and exercise. You can choose to start that business, to finish your education, to read the Bible regularly, to pray, to extend forgiveness to someone who wronged you, to be kind, to be generous, to love, to be positive; the possibilities are endless and the difference is amazing.

You are just one choice away from a different life today. What will you choose?

Posted on March 18, 2013 In Avalon Church, Leadership, Marriage/Family

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Learn How God Can Transform Your Pain Into Joy!

Chad and Jennifer Clark and their girls.

Seldom do we think about how the pain in our life can be a blessing. No, we want to avoid pain at all costs. Pain is, well, painful, and therefore we don’t want to experience it. But think about how many times pain actually leads to benefits and blessings. A mother experiences excruciating pain in childbirth. Without the pain she would not know the joy of motherhood. The pain, while difficult, is totally worth the benefit of having a baby. Just ask any mom and she will tell you that she would do it again. In fact, most moms do since they have more than one child. Pain can also let you know that something is harming you. If it were not for pain how many times would we have been burned as a child because of touching a hot stove or a hot iron?

On February 24^th Avalon Church will present a message that will potentially change your life. You will learn how pain and suffering can lead to the most amazing blessings. You will learn how God can turn your pain into a blessing and how joy can come from difficult circumstances.

Chad Clark, a pastor from South Carolina, will share his incredible journey through the depths of pain and loss and how God brought him through it all. His story is, quite frankly, one of the most inspiring stories I have ever heard. If you or someone you know have ever experienced pain, loss, difficulty, or have questioned why God would allow you to go through these dilemmas, then you simply MUST be here. I think it is a story that will encourage and inspire you to new heights in your walk with Jesus. Of course, if you miss it you can always check it out on the podcast. I hope to see you there!

Pastor Ritchie

Posted on February 19, 2013 In Avalon Church, Leadership, Love, Marriage/Family, Pastors

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Nine Rules For Talking To Your Spouse

Couples who do not learn how to communicate with each other will end up frustrated or convinced that they married a nag or a jerk. Hear the words of Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived.

Proverbs 16:23 (GN) “Intelligent people think before they speak; what they say then is more persuasive.”

Proverbs 25:11 (CEV) “The right word at the right time is like precious gold set in silver.”

Proverbs 16:21 (GN) ”A wise mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words the more persuasive he is.”

It is a fact that men and women communicate differently. Ladies, I doubt you will ever hear this question in a men’s locker room. “Hey, Larry, do these shorts make my butt look fat?”

Here are a few rules to help you communicate with your spouse.

Plan what, when, and how you communicate. Sometimes the reason communication breaks down is because it is not the right time or environment. Find out if your spouse is ready to talk immediately when he or she gets home or if they need to unwind first.
Avoid sarcasm, belittling, and abrasive talk. They are conversation killers.
Learn what not to say and what to say. I had to learn this the hard way in our first few years of marriage.
Always be willing to forgive.
Remember that time together is necessary for good communication. Conversation comes best in the natural flow of relaxed time together. You must plan regular date nights or your marriage will suffer.
Don’t force conversation or use negative language, negative body language, or unfair generalizations. “You always” or “You never” probably should be eliminated from your vocabulary.
Use eye contact, focused attention, and be generous with personal touch with each other. Sometimes just a hug, a touch on the arm, an arm around the shoulder, or holding hands can do wonders for your communication. So be generous with them.
Be generous with the praise.
Don’t be afraid to get help. After 26 years of marriage and ministry I have come to the conclusion that every couple needs counseling sometime. Kim and I have been to a professional counselor before and we are proud of it! I used to think that counseling was only for weak people. Wrong. You are going to need help so get it.

Hope this helps. Have a great day!

Ritchie

Posted on February 14, 2013 In Leadership, Love, Marriage/Family

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How To House Break A Wife

This is one of my more popular blogs from 2008. I reworked it a bit. Hope you enjoy it!

I think one of the reasons that so many men and women are unhappy in their relationships today is that they buy into the lies of our culture about the sexes. They say men and women are really the same. Wrong. We are equal but not the same. Then there are some “relationship gurus” that try and convince women that what they really want is a man who is sensitive, loves to talk deeply and endlessly about his feelings, loves to sip lattes with his legs curled up under him, and doesn’t think about sex very often. Uh…that guy does not exist. At least, not one who is physically attracted to women.

The Bible teaches us that there are four basic roles that a husband should fulfill in a marriage.

1. Husbands must love unconditionally.

And you husbands must love your wives and never treat them harshly. Colossians 3:19 (NLT)

Guys, women are different when it comes to feeling and expressing love. You are wired up to desire lots of sex and to conquer things. She is wired up for romance and affection. GOD COMMANDED US TO LOVE OUR WIVES! When you love your wife the way God commanded she will love you the way you want her to!

And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church…In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies…So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:25 & 33 (NLT)

2. Husbands must lead boldly.

Men who do not lead are never fully happy. I do not mean that all men desire to lead an army or a nation, but God has designed us to lead. He wants us to lead in our homes. The sad truth is that many men meekly hand over that role and their home is worse off because of it. Happy marriages have bold leaders. That does not mean SOLE leaders, just bold leaders that know how to lead with a purpose and get everyone involved.

And further, you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. You wives will submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:21-24 (NLT)

3. Husbands must provide well.

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. If you don’t treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard. 1 Peter 3:7 (NLT)

The words “live together” give the idea that a man must provide companionship through uninterrupted living together and that he must provide financially through sharing of goods. It does not mean that he has to be the only source of income. It just means that God wired men to be providers, conquerors, and leaders.

4. Husbands must protect at all costs.

I do not mean that you must be a kung fu -fightin’, gun-totin’, belly-scratchin’, ninja (though that would be awesome). The greatest way that we protect our families is by leading them into a relationship with Jesus Christ. Take them to church. Pray with them. Read the Bible with them.

This is the best way to housebreak a wife. Instead of focusing on what she needs to do focus on what you need to do and watch how it makes your marriage better!

Ritchie

Posted on February 13, 2013 In Love, Marriage/Family

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How To House Break A Husband

This is one of my more popular blogs from 2008. I reworked it a bit. Hope you enjoy it!

Having a happy marriage is not fundamentally difficult, but “experts” make it sound difficult. You can have a healthy family. You can’t have a perfect family, but you can have a healthy and happy one. There are single parents that wonder if they will ever be able to have a loving, healthy home again. The good news is you can. You have to wait for God’s best. There are many blended families that are filled with strife and you wonder about “my kids, your kids and our kids” and if there will ever be romance and love in your life again. You have to deal with ex-spouses, child support and wondering what they are being taught when they visit dad or mom. You wonder if there is any hope for a happy, secure, safe home. The answer is yes. Ladies, God says you can become irresistible to your husband. There are some things you may not know about men, but these things are not a secret. God shows us in the Bible how to have a healthy, happy, and Godly home.

It takes wisdom to have a good family, and it takes understanding to make it strong. Proverbs 24:3 (NCV)

If you want to be irresistible to your husband you must know four things.

1. He-motions are different than she-motions.

Men and women have different emotional needs. We tend to try to meet the emotional needs of our spouse in the same way that we feel our needs must be met. This simply does not work. It will never work. Women need romance and affection, deep conversation, security, honesty and openness, and commitment. These needs are entirely different from a man’s emotional needs.

There is a reason God made men and women to be different. God made women to be tender on the outside but tough on the inside. Women are much more capable of navigating tough emotional waters than men. This was necessary because women bear children. Men on the other hand are tough on the outside, but much more sensitive than women on the inside. Women are more expressive of their emotions than men. They can bond and connect with complete strangers. Men, on the other hand, rarely talk about their emotions. Men were made by God to be protectors and providers; therefore, God created them to be sexually connected (aggressive) and emotionally disconnected so that they could protect and provide for his family without breaking down.

Men’s needs are met through respect or honor, sexual fulfillment, and having peace at home, which includes having recreational activities and a spouse he is proud of.

2. You have to learn to speak man.

Appeal to his honor when you need him to do something. Men will close off emotionally and withdraw when they feel dishonored or mothered. Some people call this nagging. The more you demand that your emotional needs be met this way the further a man will get from actually meeting them.

Be very specific with what you want. Don’t expect him to read your mind. Many times women think that men just don’t want to talk about something when it is just a difference in communication styles. I speak in headlines. My wife speaks in fine print. I can sum up an entire day in a sentence. She wants details. It is not that I don’t want to give them to her it is just that she and I process details differently.

3. You have to reject marital myths.

Don’t buy into the romance novel myth. These men are physically like a man but emotionally like a woman. He is emotional, tender, romantic, and does not think about sex all the time like your husband. God created men to be sexually connected and emotionally disconnected so that he could protect and provide for his family without breaking down. For a woman to desire romance is normal and good, but to create the romance novel myth does damage to a relationship because it leads to comparison. This will ultimately lead to the ruin of a marriage. No woman can measure up to “pornography” and no man can measure up to the romance novel myth. Both must be rejected as lies. We must accept our spouse for who they are.

If you house break your husband following God’s plan for communicating and dealing with your husband you will be amazed at how much better your marriage becomes.

Happy house breaking!

Ritchie

Posted on February 12, 2013 In Love, Marriage/Family

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Happy Birthday, Kim!

Tomorrow, February 9^th, is Kim’ birthday. This is the 20^th straight year that she has been 29 years old. I don’t know ho she does it. Happy Birthday, Kim! I love you and I am glad you were born!

Posted on February 8, 2013 In Marriage/Family, Random Thoughts

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How To Make Your Family Glad To See You When You Get Home

Our Dog Roscoe

We have a dog named Roscoe. Brooke, our youngest daughter, rescued him when he was 2 ½ months old. He weighed only 5 pounds and, according to the vet, was about 24 hours away from dying when we got him. He is a pit-bull/black lab mix and he is my favorite pet in the last 25 years. He is one cool dog and he loves people more than any animal I have ever seen. It is always fun to come home to him and I think we could learn some things from Roscoe about how to make our families happy when we get home.

Always be happy to see them.

Roscoe is always happy to see us when we get home and it shows. He jumps up and down and runs laps around the house when he sees us. You may not want to run laps but show some emotion and let your family know it is good to see them when you get home.

Share your food.

Roscoe always wants to share food. He brings us stuff when we are sitting around and he definitely wants to share our food. He does not beg but sits quietly at our feet when we eat. He will sometimes nudge us with his nose to remind us that he is sitting there. I can’t resist. I have to give him something. Make sure to take the time to share a meal with your family too. It will make a big difference.

Give lots of kisses and affection.

Roscoe loves to share affection. Whenever we are sitting around as a family he always sits with us and always has to be touching one of us. He will put his head in our lap or his feet on our legs while he sleeps. If he is in the floor he even lays on our feet. He always touches one of us. I recommend giving lots of love and affection to your family too. It will make them glad to see you, although, I do not recommend licking everyone when you first see them like Roscoe does.

Spend time playing.

Roscoe loves to play tug with ropes and toys. He will bring you the rope or toy and try to get your to get it form him and when you reach for it he will pull away. I believe if we spend more time playing with our family we will spend less time fighting!

Wag your tail a lot.

Roscoe wags his tail a lot because he is a happy dog. Wives, if you will wag your tail when your husband gets home I bet he will be glad to see you too!

Posted on January 24, 2013 In Leadership, Love, Marriage/Family, Pastors

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How To Talk To Your Spouse…Without Losing Your Mind

Woman Looking at a Man Sitting Beside Her

Admit it. You have had a moment when you wondered if your spouse was from another planet. If you have been married for longer than a minute you have had problems communicating. Sometimes you wonder if they even speak the same language as you do. Without trying to get into all the ways men and women are different let me give you a few Biblical principles that will help you communicate better with your spouse whether you have X/X or X/Y chromosomes.

Take responsibility.

Proverbs 13:17 says, “Irresponsible talk makes a real mess of things, but a reliable reporter is a healing presence.” When we are irresponsible in our talk we mess up our marriage. It is easy to be irresponsible in our talk. We become defensive. We don’t take the time to listen so we feel like we are being attacked. We get into an argument and say things that we later regret. Over time this builds a wall between you and your spouse. Learn to take responsibility. Don’t pass the buck and blame your spouse for being the problem.

Be a healer.

“…but a reliable reporter is a healing presence.” Because we have a selfish sin nature we love to point the finger at others and blame them for our problems. When you take responsibility, however, you can become a healing presence in your marriage. Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” If you are going to be a healer you have to do things you would not normally do. Think about what a doctor does. She gets close to the wound and does what is necessary to heal it. Sometimes it requires medicine. Sometimes it requires stitches. Sometimes it requires therapy. Sometimes it just needs some air. Be wise and learn how to be a healer in your marriage!

Don’t be a one-upper.

1 Peter 3:8-9 says, “Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing.” There is no room in a Christian marriage for being a one-upper. You do not have the right to get in the last word no matter how right you feel you are. Peter told us that we are to be agreeable and loving and that we are to avoid hurtful language. No exceptions.

Remember that you are in this together.

Marriage is a beautiful partnership. There is a oneness and unity to it that is spiritual and mysterious. The scriptures you just read basically tell us not to screw it up. You are in this together with your spouse. When you give out blessings in your marriage you will in turn receive blessings back. That makes the effort worth it!

Posted on December 12, 2012 In Marriage/Family

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Thank God For 10 Things Today Before You Go To Bed

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. Every day should be Thanksgiving for a Christian. If you are like most of us you are probably really busy getting ready for Thanksgiving. We buy stuff, cook stuff, decorate stuff, try to finish our list before the end of our workday, and make plans for a trip to see family. The one thing we often fail to do is take the time to be thankful. We even get impatient with the long-winded prayer before we stuff our faces and waddle to the couch to watch football between naps. (Here is a practical tip for all of you overeaters: do what I do and wear pants with an elastic waistband. It pays to be prepared!)

Take a few minutes and write down 10 things you are thankful for and then share it with someone today. We all have way more than 10 things to be thankful for. Here is my list:

Jesus
Salvation
My amazing family
The amazing people of Avalon Church
I am thankful I got to start and pastor Avalon Church
Good friends that have helped shape my life
Health
Freedom
That God has provided a house, food, and clothing for me while many in the world are in need
The future – I am excited about what comes next!

What is your list?

Posted on November 21, 2012 In Avalon Church, Marriage/Family, Pastors

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How To Increase Your Relational Intelligence In Marriage

Your IQ is your Intelligence Quotient. It measures your intellectual abilities and represents a type of learning capacity. What we need in our families today is not better IQ but better RI – Relational Intelligence. Relational Intelligence is the ability to get along and have harmony and peace in your home.

Proverbs. 24:3 states, “It takes wisdom to have a good family, and it takes understanding to make it strong.”

We need smarter, stronger families in the church today. God desires for your relationship with your spouse to be meaningful, fulfilling, loving, and lasting. Here is how you can have a smart family filled with relational intelligence.

Worship God first.

Strong, smart families begin with a spiritual commitment. You must be on the same page spiritually in order to have oneness in Christ. If you don’t have spiritual oneness with your spouse you will never attain the spiritual, emotional, or sexual intimacy that God intends for you. Marriages that last are built on a foundation of worshipping God and putting him first. Continue Reading…

Posted on November 1, 2012 In Marriage/Family

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How Keeping Score In Your Marriage Makes You Lose

Kim and I had been married for about a year when we bought our first house. One day I got home early and pulled my car into the garage and shut the door behind me. Since we did not have an automatic garage door opener we usually left the garage door open until the other person came home.

Not on this day.

I hid in the closet in our bedroom waiting for her to arrive. I heard her come in and piddle around the kitchen for a few minutes. My heart was pounding with anticipation. Finally she came into the bedroom and opened her closet. I grabbed her and screamed really loud…so did she. In my newly wed mind it was Ritchie 1, scared silly Kim 0.

I later learned that is not how women keep score. It was, in fact, I who had nil… for a very long time.

That was not the smartest thing I ever did. I was in the doghouse for a while. On a positive note it did give her a chance to work on that forgiving spirit the Bible talks about.

Score keeping in marriage is a losing proposition. Nobody wins. Everybody loses. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13 “Love doesn’t keep score of the sins of others…” In other words, love forgives. Ephesians 4:32 states, “Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

God’s Word challenges us to stop keeping score and to forgive fully, completely, and regularly. It is only when we offer forgiveness that we can have the peaceful, loving home that we desire.

Settle your score today and forgive each other. You will be amazed at how quickly your marriage gets stronger!

Posted on October 25, 2012 In Marriage/Family

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How To Gain Control Of Your Schedule

Do you ever feel like there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done? Pastors can often feel overwhelmed by the demands of ministry. If you do not take control of your schedule then your schedule will control you. This kind of living will inevitably lead to more stress, a neglected family life, poor health, and ineffective ministry. It could be that you are a victim of disorganization or it could be that you have not considered that an out of control schedule is rooted in the sin of pride. You like to feel needed and important. But like the apostles discovered in the book of Acts, an out of control schedule leads to a feeble and immobilized church. I am simply not that important! God has chosen to use me but I am not indispensible to his plan.

Here are a few principles that will help you get control of your schedule and be more effective in ministry.

Prioritize

In the book of Acts the apostles prioritized prayer, studying the Word of God, and preaching. They realized that they could not bear the demands of the ministry alone. Every Christian is gifted to be a blessing to the Body of Christ. Share the ministry. Don’t do it alone. Equip others to serve. You must set priorities or you will not get the most important things done. There are a few things that only you can do so focus on those things and give everything else away. If you fail to prioritize then you will become a slave to the demands of your church and the ministry will suffer, your family will suffer, and you will burn out. Continue Reading…

Posted on October 11, 2012 In Church Growth/Church Planting, Leadership, Marriage/Family

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The Key To Staying In Love For A Long Time

I once asked a man who had been married for over 50 years what was his secret to a long and happy marriage. With a twinkle in his eye he looked at me for a long, uncomfortable moment. I could not tell if he was thinking back on his early romantic escapades with his young bride or if he was having a senior moment and was trying to recall just who I was. Finally he said, “The secret, son, is this. For many years my wife and I faithfully lived by this one principle. We did not let anything get in the way of fulfilling it each and every week. Here it is: we went out twice a week without fail. I went out on Fridays and she went out on Saturdays.”

I am not sure if that is the best advice I have ever heard or if it is the worst advice I have ever heard. It worked for them, though.

Do you know what else works? Treating love as an action rather than merely an emotion. That is what the Bible teaches in 1 Corinthians 13 and Ephesians chapters 4-5. The more I treat my spouse with the right actions the more in love I will be. Read these passages today and think about how you can turn love into and action for someone you know.

Posted on October 2, 2012 In Love, Marriage/Family

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Do Your Words Scar Those You Lead?

I like tools. It does not really matter what kind because tools are cool. I don’t always like doing the work, but I feel manly by simply owning lots of tools. Among the many that I own is an assortment of hammers. As I am not a carpenter, I’m not really sure why I have so many, but I do.

When my son, Brandon, was four he went through a stage of driving nails into everything he could find. He drove nails into the dirt. He nailed them into his bedroom walls. He would try to nail objects into the floor. He would hammer on every conceivable thing you could think of. We tried everything to keep him from hammering nails into valuable things like furniture and his sister. We set up boundaries and even had designated areas where he could legitimately nail stuff. I remember coming home from work one day to find nails in our living room coffee table.

One day Brandon discovered that I had a rubber hammer. If you have any experience with tools, you know that a rubber hammer has a very specific purpose. It is used to tap things that a regular hammer would damage. It definitely was not made to hammer nails. Before long I found Brandon nailing nails to his little heart’s content with my rubber hammer. After I took it from him I could see the scars. It had been abused because it was not used for the right purpose.

God has given you the ability to help or harm others with your words. They are like tools. You can build up or tear down. You can lead well or you can abuse others with the things you say. Leaders, your words matter. They can serve God’s purpose or they can leave scars.

The Apostle Paul writes, “When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need — words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you” Ephesians 4:29

Guard your words today. God has a purpose in mind for the things you say. Make sure that you try to build up those around you. Be kind. Be generous with your praise and sparing with your criticism. What you say matters. Your words are like tools. Make sure they serve the right purpose.

Think of a time when someone’s words empowered you. Now think of a time when someone’s words hurt you and caused you to doubt. What kind of words do you want to be known for speaking? Think about it and then share it with someone today.

Posted on September 27, 2012 In Leadership, Love, Marriage/Family

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Respect In An Age of Contempt

I truly believe respect helps a person be successful in life. Particularly in an age where there is such division and strife over politics that people can’t seem to disagree without being disagreeable. Respect is more important than ever now. Jesus Christ modeled and taught us how to respect and be respected. It is one of those non-negotiable attributes that Christians must demonstrate. How do you develop that kind of respect?

1. Worship God.

The Bible refers to this as reverent fear for God. One must respect and revere God and keep Him at the center of one’s life. You will not always understand everything about God. He is far too vast for our finite minds to comprehend. You can know Him though. He loves you. Always approach Him with reverent fear. We call this worship.

2. Demonstrate respect even if you disagree.

You will not always agree with the authority in your life. Sometimes those in authority are wrong. It is important, however, to respect those that you disagree with. There is far too much venom in our culture today. Be a part of the solution not a part of the problem.

3. Respect yourself.

Don’t go through life with a small view of yourself or the life God has given you. You are unique and have a unique purpose in life. Believe in the grand plan that God has put you on earth for. You are a leader. Leaders accomplish their mission with resolve. Do not operate in ego or pride. Admit it when you fail. Be transparent with your success and your mistakes. Learn your strengths and weaknesses. Work on your strengths most. Surround yourself with people who are better and smarter than you and don’t be afraid to give away praise and authority along with responsibility.

4. Respect others without fearing them.

Fear God and only God. Respect all men. Cower before none. Stand in awe of God and his creation. Admire others and congratulate them for the good things in their life but do not stand in awe of them. They are only human and the fear of man leads to failure. You are equally as valuable as they. Your attitude will separate you from the crowd; your work ethic, and your lack of fear will also make a difference. Lead when others tremble. Do not be afraid to take risks.

5. Respect begins at home.

Men, respect your wife, cherish her, and love her. Try to understand her but understand that the things about her that you don’t understand are what make her mysterious and special. You can understand dudes but probably not women. On the other hand you will get to make love to your wife and become one with her. That is worth not understanding a few things. Be kind to her. Do not belittle or berate her. God has charged the man with the responsibility of sanctifying his wife, so respect her.

What do you think needs to be done about respect in our current political climate?

Posted on September 26, 2012 In Church Growth/Church Planting, Leadership, Love, Marriage/Family

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Today Only – Get My Book On Parenting Absolutely Free!

Today is my birthday! I am 48 years old and to celebrate I am giving away a free, downloadable copy of my book Spoiled Rotten: Loving Your Kids Without Indulging Them. This is a $15 value and is available to EVERY PERSON who requests it today.

The topics covered in the book include worship, discipline, schedules, and authority. It teaches you how to take charge in your home and find peace as a parent. You will find help as a parent of toddlers through the teenage years. Here are the chapter titles:

CHAPTER ONE

Girls and Boys Gone Wild

CHAPTER TWO

Good Parenting Begins with Papa

CHAPTER THREE

God’s Parenting Pyramid

CHAPTER FOUR

Who Calls the Shots? Power Struggles at Home

CHAPTER FIVE

Lord, Give Me Patience: Communicating with Love

CHAPTER SIX

Stop Kidding Around: Communicating with Authority

CHAPTER SEVEN

Who’s Misbehaving? How to Model Behavior for Your Children

CHAPTER EIGHT

The Key to Happy Kids and Peaceful Parents

CHAPTER NINE

The 25th Hour: How to Gain More by Doing Less

CHAPTER TEN

Security Breach: Creating a Safe Environment for Your Child

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Respect the Agitator: Don’t Rush the Washing Machine

CHAPTER TWELVE

Stay on Your Knees

To get your free copy of the downloadable e-book simply email me with your request @ Ritchie@avalonchurch.net. You will receive the link to download the book within 24 hours.

Posted on September 20, 2012 In Leadership, Marriage/Family

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Today’s Gift Is A $2500 Value – Host A “Strong Family Conference” At Your Church For Free

My birthday is this week. I will be 48 years old on September 20^th and to celebrate my birthday I am giving away a free gift each day this week. Today I have a fantastic gift for 10 special winners. In honor of my birthday I am giving away 10 Strong Family conferences for free! The normal price for a Strong Family Conference is $2500.

Pastor, I have a strong desire to add value to you and your church. My years in church ministry have taught me that when families are strong the church is strong. When you have strong, committed families you church has more money and volunteers for ministry. More people come to know Christ and the church grows and fulfills its God-given mission. I believe that hosting a Strong Family Conference will help the marriages in your church and will help you reach more people in your community.

Here are some of the resources and teachings that I offer at the Strong Family Conference:

The Five Greatest Challenges In Marriage
Overcoming Communication Barriers
Balancing Your Home Life And Work Life
The Naked Truth About Money In Marriage
How To Love Your Children Without Indulging Them
The Keys To A Satisfying Sex Life
How To Fall In Love And Stay In Love
21^st Century Roles In Marriage
How To Increase Your Emotional Intelligence
The Family That Worships Together Stays Together

I am offering two options for you.

Option One: A Saturday morning conference

The Saturday morning option will take place from 10 AM until noon. You will provide the space, a few volunteers, and the publicity to get your families to attend. This is a great event to invite your community to as well.

Option Two: An evening conference

The evening conference will take the place of your normal Sunday evening or Wednesday evening worship service. The entire program will last about an hour and a half. The evening conference is a perfect outreach event. We can all think of someone who could use a little help or encouragement in the area of marriage and parenting!

There will be no charge for the conference for the first ten pastors that email me to book a date. All I ask is that you cover my travel expenses to and from your church and make sure that there are at least 50 adults at the service. All other details about set up and volunteers will be addressed when you contact me.

Here is how to book a Strong Family Conference for absolutely free:

Email me @ Ritchie@avalonchurch.net
Include your name, your church name, your address, your email, and your phone number so someone can contact you about the conference
Include the date you want for the Strong Family Conference
Be one of the first 10 to book the conference

Pastor, I look forward to meeting you soon!

Posted on September 19, 2012 In Leadership, Marriage/Family

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The Five Greatest Challenges In Marriage

I love being married. In spite of the many jokes about marriage and the differences between the sexes people still fall in love and get married. That is the way it should be. God made us for relationships and He ordained marriage. He made the first couple, Adam and Eve, and blessed them. He told them to be fruitful and fill the earth. In other words, have lots of sex and lots of children so the earth could be filled with worshippers of God. He told them to care for creation and to have dominion. He told them to eat freely of all the trees of the Garden of Eden except the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He gave them a free will to choose. They could know and experience love and worship only because they had the ability to choose.

The first three chapters of Genesis give us both God’s plan for marriage and the challenges that we face in marriage. The challenges came as a result of Man’s fall. Because of sin God’s creation came under a curse. The outcome was death. Thankfully, God also introduced His plan to redeem all of creation back to Himself through a redeemer. Here are the five biggest challenges we face in marriage because of sin.

The challenge with work

Before the fall man’s relationship with work was beautiful. God ordained that work should be in His image. Man was to create, to rule, and to have power over all of creation. As a result of sin the earth was cursed. Death entered the scene. Since then mankind has struggled mightily with work. Problems with money and poverty mark us now. Problems from worshipping our work, the stress of work, and greed mark many marriages. Every family struggles with balancing work and family life.

The challenge with sex

God blessed the union of Adam and Eve. He told them to be fruitful and multiply. They were both naked and unashamed. There was a beautiful openness and oneness to their relationship. When they sinned they began to cover up, to avoid the truth, and to evade responsibility. They blamed each other. Conflict over who leads was introduced into their relationship. Love was high jacked by lust. Sex would now be a potential for marital conflict.

The challenge with children

As a result of the curse children now came with pain. Children are a blessing from God. He creates them. But now childbearing is marred by pain. Children often become a source of conflict between husband and wife now. Because they are born in sin parents now experience the pain of seeing their children sin. Marriages often grow cold because of the curse that accompanies having children.

The challenge with communication

I love the picture of communication that Adam and Eve had before the fall. Adam waxed poetic when he saw his naked, beautiful wife. The image of becoming one and being open and honest laid the foundation for intimacy and communication. After their sin they began to blame each other, evade their responsibility to each other, and to hide from each other. These things destroy good communication and lay the groundwork for problems in marriage.

The challenge with worship

The greatest challenge they faced was with their worship. They stopped worshipping God and worshipped themselves. They replaced God’s blessings with their sinful pride and arrogance.

The good news is that God provided a solution to these problems. He promised that a Redeemer would come and crush the serpent. Jesus Christ is that Redeemer and he crushed the power of sin and death on the cross! It is only through our faith in Him that we find resolution and forgiveness for our sin. It is through worshipping Him that we are redeemed and restored to the kind of life God intended.

Your marriage can be great. It can be all God intended. You can overcome your conflict with work, stress, communication, children, sex, and worship through your relationship with Christ. ALL of your marital struggles stem from your worship. It is only when our worship is right that our marriage can be right. Turn to Christ today and you will begin to find the path to the right kind of marriage!

Posted on September 13, 2012 In Marriage/Family

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Five Barriers To Communication In Marriage

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During my freshman year of college a friend and I were hanging out in one of the commons areas on our college campus. Bryant played football and tipped the scales at over 400 pounds. With a grin on his face he said, “Hey, Ritchie, watch this.” Famous last words, right? He backed up about twenty feet and started running at a large couch. I thought he was going to tackle it. As he sprinted (it was more like a violent waddle) toward the innocent couch his steely determination told me he was planning to do something ill advised. He intended to jump over the couch. All four hundred pounds of huffing, churning, jiggling man. I was astounded by his graceful form and athleticism. He actually cleared the back of the sofa. It seemed like it was in super slow motion like on a Sports Center highlight. His hair was blown back. His face was forged with purpose. His feet lifted high in the air.

He almost made it.

I will never forget seeing his foot tear through the seat like a hot knife through butter. He wore the couch around his lower leg. Panic filled his eyes as he realized he just destroyed expensive college property. He pulled his foot out and bent over and picked up the couch. The last thing I saw, between hysterical gasps for air, was Bryant carrying the couch out of the room under one arm.

Some couples are like Bryant when it comes to communication in marriage. They huff and puff and they almost make it. In the end all they really accomplish is ruining some furniture.

The story of the first marriage in Genesis 1-3 gives us some powerful principles about communication in marriage. Adam and Eve started out great but sin marred their relationship with God and each other. I find five barriers to real communication in these chapters. See if they sound familiar to you.

1. They worshipped the wrong things.

God lovingly gave them a choice to worship Him or themselves. In giving the command not to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil God gave man the ability to love and to worship. They had to make a choice. The choice to obey was to love God and fully experience His joy, beauty, love, and purpose. To disobey was to choose sin, defeat, pain, and death. They chose poorly. Because of this choice sin was introduced into the human experience and all the pain and death that goes with it. I really believe the greatest problems in marriage today stem from the choice to worship your own self rather than God. Selfishness, pride, anger, and an unforgiving spirit all grow out of bad worship choices and all are barriers to communication.

2. They became deceitful.

In the beginning of their story Adam and Eve were naked and not ashamed. I think nakedness was more than being sans clothing. There was openness in their relationship. What happened immediately after they sinned? They became deceitful and began the great cover-up. They lied to God and themselves. Deception always kills communication and breeds distrust and bitterness.

3. They passed the buck.

Adam and Eve both blamed someone else for their sin. Sin makes us want to be unaccountable and evasive. We love to make excuses for our behavior. Accountability and openness are essential for communicating in marriage.

4. They allowed work to become a barrier.

A part of the curse was on their work. Work became desperate and toilsome. The ground produced problems and a man’s living now came by the sweat of his brow. Contrast that to the purpose and beauty of work before the fall. Man was a caretaker. He ruled with authority and dominion. Divine harmony thrived between man and his work. Creativity and resourcefulness marked man’s work as an outpouring of worship to his Creator.

After the curse, however, work became difficult. I believe the curse on man’s work exists still. That is why we struggle to keep a balance. Work can consume us and it breaks down family relationships. We struggle financially and find it difficult to cope. Financial problems lead to communication problems, which lead to marriage problems. Much of our stress comes from a difficult relationship with work.

5. They allowed their children to become a barrier.

Another part of the curse involved childbearing. It would now include pain and sorrow. Every parent knows the two-edged sword of having children. They are a blessing from God and fill our lives with love and joy like few things in life. On the other hand pain is a constant part of raising children. We are tempted to make our children the center of our lives rather than God. Perhaps this is why so many homes are run by the whims and wishes of children. If we do not keep Christ at the center of our lives then children can so dominate our marriage that we fail to grow together. Communication becomes a problem because children take so much of our time and when they grow up and leave then we don’t know what to say to each other.

The good news is that every part of the curse is redeemed and reversed by Jesus Christ. With Christ at the center I worship well, foster openness, become accountable, and make my work and children a blessing instead of a barrier.

If you have found this article to be helpful please Tweet about it, share it on Facebook, leave a comment, or send it to a friend. Don’t forget to go to my Facebook page and click “like” to get regular updates.

Posted on September 5, 2012 In Marriage/Family

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The Top Ten Quick Tips For Stress-Free Living

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Philippians 4:6-7 (MES)

See life from God’s perspective – read the Bible.
Remember that God is in control.
Pray instead of worrying. Why worry over things you can’t control?
Recognize that life is too short to waste your time stressing over meaningless things.
Remind yourself of God’s promises.
Simplify your life. You can’t do everything.
Do the most important things first.
Praise God – a lot!
Develop a thankful attitude.
Remember that Christ is sufficient for everything!

Posted on August 31, 2012 In Marriage/Family, Random Thoughts

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Why Women Read “50 Shades of Grey” but Don’t Talk to Their Husbands About Sex

In light of full disclosure I will admit that I have not read the novel 50 Shades of Grey. So I will refrain from making specific comments about it. That would be like the preachers I heard as a teen who preached “agin’ the devil’s music” and thought “heavy metal” was a vague reference to the period table of the elements. Although I have not read the book, I am familiar with its content and feel qualified to address the cultural phenomenon it has created.

50 Shades of Grey is an erotic novel that is the first in a trilogy by British author E. L. James. The series has sold over 40 million copies worldwide and is currently being developed into a film series. Women readers comprise the largest portion of the audience.

This leads me to two important questions. How is it any different for a woman to read an erotic novel than for a man to look at pornography? One is pornography for the eyes and the other is pornography for the mind. Secondly, why do Christians talk about sex with everyone but their spouse?

Because this is a blog and not a book I want to give you some food for thought. These are principles based on what God says about sex in the Bible. It makes sense to listen to what He says about it since He created it and blessed it and gave a grand and glorious purpose to it. Why would you follow the advice of Hollywood, anyway? They can’t even stay married!

I love The Message paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 7:1-6. The Apostle Paul writes,

Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.

Here are several principles that will help you enjoy sex in marriage the way God intends.

See sex as an image of God thing.

Read Genesis 1 & 2 and you will understand that God created us in His image to fill the earth with true worshippers. Sex was created by God to be in His image. In fact, the first command to humans was to have lots of sex! He told Adam and Eve to fill the earth.

Understand that sex is sacred.

The ancient world got this principle better than we do in modern culture. It is astounding how many ancient religions even got this. Many incorporated sex as a sacred ritual even though they were false religions. Don’t misunderstand my point. I am not suggesting we should emulate false religions but we must understand that sex is sacred. That is why God put so much emphasis on it in the Bible. He even gave us an entire book on sex and romance in the Song of Solomon.

God sees sex as an act of worship.

Every command in the Bible is rooted in God’s love for us. Ultimately, everything in the Christian life is to be an act of worship – our work, marriage, play, and especially our sex lives. This is true in the Old and New Testaments. (See Genesis 1-3; 1 Corinthians 7; 1 Corinthians 10:31; Romans 12)

Learn God’s purpose for sex.

In spite of what much of our modern culture believes, God is not prudish about sex. He created it for a purpose. When it is enjoyed His way it brings joy to us, binds us together in marriage, produces children, and brings us pleasure. Sex is a gift from God.

Look for love in all the right places.

God’s plan is for sex to be between a married man and woman. When we follow His plan we are happier and more fulfilled. It is when we go outside His commands that sex destroys.

Don’t be deceived.

Don’t think that pornography is harmless. Pornography always begins in the mind, whether it is visual or in an erotic novel. It hurts both men and women and can destroy what God intended for you. On the other hand, God is gracious and merciful and always willing to forgive and restore. No matter what you have done in your past you can be forgiven and made whole again! Some of the great heroes in the Bible had a devious sexual past but found God’s love and forgiveness. Read Matthew chapter one and you will discover that Jesus’ genealogy had adulterers, a rapist, a rape victim, and even a former prostitute. God loves you and will forgive you and use you in spite of your past if you will turn to Him.

Talk to your spouse about sex. Tell him or her your desires and needs. Don’t get frustrated. Don’t be afraid. God has a grand and glorious plan for your life.

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Posted on August 29, 2012 In Love, Marriage/Family

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Everything I Needed to Know About Parenting I Learned at Summer Camp

Summer camp taught me numerous helpful life lessons. I learned that swim-time doubled as personal hygiene. That sure came in handy. I learned that you could get so scared from the counselor’s ghost stories that you can actually throw up on your sheets and not have to make your bed for the rest of the week. Long story. I also learned how to use dangerous weapons like a bow and arrow. What could possibly go wrong with putting a deadly missile in the unsteady hands of a seven-year-old? Sorry, Tommy. No hard feelings, right?

King David used bow and arrows as a simile for raising godly children. In Psalm 127:4-5 he wrote, “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”

The following is adapted from my book Spoiled Rotten: Loving Your Kids Without Indulging Them.

We must release our children to God.

An arrow must be taken out of the quiver to fulfill its purpose. While it’s true that arrows that stay in the quiver will never embarrass us or fail miserably, those quiver-dwellers will also never fulfill their purpose in life. Our job as parents is to prepare our children to leave our home eventually and to start their own.

An arrow can’t be controlled it must be released. Wouldn’t it be strange to see a warrior running alongside the arrow, making sure its path was straight? Or worse yet, carrying the arrow to the target and trying to jam it in? That would be dumb and possibly fatal. No, an arrow is supposed to be released. That is what it is made for. Will every arrow always hit perfectly in the center of the bull’s-eye? Of course not. That’s why you must trust God with the outcome.

We must aim our children at the right target.

The second shooting lesson is just as obvious, but just as important: an arrow must be aimed properly in order to hit the target. If you take aim at the wrong thing, you can do more harm than good. In a battle, warriors don’t aim at random targets, but at specifically chosen ones. A warrior can be successful in nailing his target right in the sweet spot, but if has selected the wrong target, his work is all in vain. In the same way, we can act “target challenged” when we get our children involved in every activity under the sun except those that teach them to honor God.

We must release our children at the right time.

An arrow must be released at the right time in order to hit the target. Even if your bow is in line with the right target, the arrow will never hit the bull’s-eye if you release it at the wrong time. I know this from lessons I learned the hard way at summer camp … right in front of the girls I was trying to impress. Release it too early and it will be lodged in the ground; release it too late and it will sail over the target. We must release our children to God, but we must also let go at the right time.

You can order the book at spoiledrottenbook.com.

Posted on August 21, 2012 In Leadership, Marriage/Family

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The Key To Earning Your Wife’s Respect

Men want respect but often go about getting it the wrong way. Some try to intimidate the people around them. Intimidation is not the same as respect. Some try to legislate respect. They think that respect is owed to them simply because of their position. They demand respect rather than command respect. According to the Bible, however, respect is earned.

1 Peter 3:7-9 states, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.

So how can you earn your wife’s respect?

1. Commit to her.

“Live with” means to commit to a long-term, uninterrupted marriage. It also means to share your goods, money, and possessions with her. In other word, commit to her.

2. Spend time with her.

This is the only way you can really get to know and understand her.

3. Protect her.

When Peter uses the term “weaker vessel” it implies that physical and psychological abuse is sin. However, it is not just talking about the woman being physically weaker but it is talking about the fact that women were marginalized in that culture. Husbands have the responsibility to protect their wives from cultural, psychological, and physical harm.

4. Lead her.

The term “unity of mind” means that you are to seek harmony in your home by going in the same direction and having the same big picture goals.

5. Care for her.

To be “sympathetic” means caring deeply about the needs, joys, and sorrows of others. Husbands have a biblical command to care for their wives happiness.

6. Love her.

Brotherly love means to love her as a wife and as a Christian. Christian love involves taking her to church!

7. Forgive her.

To have a “tender heart” means that you must be quick to forgive.

8. Prioritize her.

Having a humble mind means you must get rid of pride and consider others as more important than yourself. It is selflessness rooted in unconditional love.

9. Talk to her.

Husbands are not to engage in verbal abuse and arguing. We are to be a blessing instead. This idea harkens back to the teaching of Jesus in Luke 6:28-29 where he said, “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic” The idea of “blessing” is rooted in asking God to pour out his grace and favor on them. It also means to celebrate with praise.

Why are men to do this? To keep Christ at the center of your life and marriage! God tells us that we are called to do this as husbands.

What would you add to this? Click the comment button at the top of the page to share your thoughts.

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Posted on August 15, 2012 In Love, Marriage/Family

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How To Win Every Argument With Your Spouse

August 8, 2012 — Leave a comment

If you have ever felt like banging your head against the wall because you argue constantly with your spouse, or if she keeps bringing up the past, or if he always has to have the last word, then this article is for you. Have you ever argued so passionately that you can’t even remember what started the argument? You just know that you are trying to win. Has it ever gotten so heated in your house that you questioned the sanity of your mate?

I have good news. There is hope!

Let me start by stating that this article is NOT about debating skills. It is not even about communication skills. It is about how to find harmony, unity, and peace in your home.

Harmony comes from finding a common purpose.

1 Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another… In some translations “live in harmony” is translated “have the same mind.” The key to having harmony in your home and avoiding arguments is that you and your spouse have “the same mind” about things. That simply means that you have the same goals. You want your family to go in the same direction. That does not mean that you sacrifice your individuality. It means that you both have found a common purpose in Jesus Christ. This is one of the reasons why the Apostle Paul wrote that believers should not be “unequally yoked” with nonbelievers. When you do not have the same general purpose – to worship and please God – it is impossible to stay on the same page. You will inevitably argue because you do not have the same goals in life.

Harmony comes from finding common priorities.

Amos 3:3 Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction? It is impossible for two people to walk together if they are not headed in the same direction. I believe finding a common purpose deals with the “macro vision” of your family. God wants every family to worship and serve him. Finding common priorities deals with the “micro vision” for your family. That is, the specific ways that God wants your family to serve him. All Christians have the same macro vision – to worship and serve God. We all have a different micro vision that deals with how specifically we do that. For example, I have been called to serve as pastor at Avalon Church with my family. What God has called you to do is different but just as important.

Psalm 133:1 How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony! Harmony and unity in your home can be achieved through having the same purpose and the same priorities. When you get these big picture items settled you have less to argue about and peace can reign in your home.

Parenting tests this more than anything else.

Your children will test you and your spouse. If you can remain parenting teammates you can win and have harmony in the home. You must support each other. You must maintain the same set of rules. You must agree on how to discipline and remain consistent. The rubber meets the road here. Usually more arguments, disagreements, and dysfunction come from a lack of unity over money and parenting than anything else.

I think this will help you win by avoiding arguments. What do you think?

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In Love, Marriage/Family

Do You Have The “Stones” To Be A Godly Man?

August 6, 2012 — Leave a comment

Deuteronomy 23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord. (KJV)

Don’t you just love verses that make you say, “What in the world?” As a teenager I would sign my friends yearbook and put this verse after my name. They would think I was really spiritual…unless they read the verse.

What is up with this strange little verse? What could possibly be the purpose? How did they enforce this rule? Was it the usher’s job to check? Isn’t this far worse than going through security at the airport? How could this seemingly asinine rule have anything to do with loving God?

Remember a few things when reading scripture. 1) God inspired all scripture. 2) All of God’s laws are rooted in his love for us, even weird ones like this. 3) You must learn about the cultural settings in which the bible was written. It gives meaning and understanding to what you read.

Many scholars believe the purpose behind this law was worshipping God supremely. There were many religions in that day that incorporated immoral sexual practices in their worship. These practices included heterosexual and homosexual prostitution. Some even went so far as to castrate the male prostitutes. They even encourage their worshippers to castrate themselves as a sign of worship, love, and loyalty to their gods. While that may seem unbelievably extreme and barbaric to our Western minds we have extreme practices like this in our modern culture. I think religious terrorists that strap bombs to their chests or fly airplanes into buildings to prove their love and loyalty is a good example.

The point was you had to worship only Jehovah God if you were going to lead and be a man of God in ancient Israel. There was no room for half-hearted commitments. You had to be all in. You could not worship something else and Jehovah. The application should be rather obvious for us today. God is looking for men who will worship him with all their hearts. Men who lead families, churches, businesses, and others must prioritize their worship of God. God has to be first. God does not use men who are sideline sitters or benchwarmers. He wants you in the game. In other words, it takes stones to be a man of God who leads well.

Do you have the stones?

During the month of August I am speaking to men at Avalon Church about this very topic. Come join us if you can. If you can’t you can listen to the podcast by clicking here.

In Love, Marriage/Family, Top Menu

The Unintended Consequences of Unfiltered Flattery

August 2, 2012 — Leave a comment

Proverbs 7:6-27 tells the story of a young man who was enticed to have an affair because he did not filter the flattery of the woman who seduced him. In other words, he had no BS filter. He wanted what she said to be true so he fell for her smooth talk. Verse 21 states, “So she seduced him with her pretty speech and enticed him with her flattery.” In this young man’s case the unintended consequence was a devastating affair. We often think that affairs begin with the eyes or even the heart but this passage shows us that they begin with the ears. We like to hear flattering things about ourselves. Praise and criticism both can be devastating when we do not filter them through the truth of God’s Word.

I hope you will take a minute to read Proverbs 7:6-27 today. It will serve as a warning to each of us not to allow flattery to throw us off our game. Here are a few unintended consequences from flattery:

Dissatisfaction.

When we receive unfiltered flattery we will usually begin to believe it. When we begin to believe it we become dissatisfied with our current circumstances. A discontented heart is a sure path to ruin. When we allow ourselves to be discontented we eventually begin to act out in ways that are destructive.

Unprotected mind

Your mind is vulnerable if you don’t guard it. Whenever we do not filter flattery through the truth of the Bible we expose our minds to unnecessary danger. Guard your mind by using “God’s truth meter.”

Emotional vulnerability

Flattery can be so emotionally delicious. It is like the poison fruit that tastes wonderful up until we realize that it is killing us. The Bible says to “guard your heart.” One reason that unfiltered flattery is so dangerous is because it feels so good.

Overwhelming temptation

In this story the young, foolish man had a destructive affair. He fell to temptation because he had no filter, no barriers, and no pre-determined convictions. You never decide your convictions or your actions in the middle of temptation. You must decide ahead of time. That is the only way you can overcome temptation. God has promised to be with us and help us through temptation but we must trust him and decide our actions ahead of time.

Unrealistic expectations

So many people live in a fantasy world of unrealistic expectations. We normally overestimate how good we are and underestimate our capacity for failure. Setting unrealistic expectations in marriage is a surefire path to divorce.

Destructive future

As with all sin, it takes us further than we intended to go and it costs far more than we expected to pay. Solomon used words like death, the grave, and slaughter to describe the reality this young man faced because of his actions.

So be warned and guard yourself. Use the flattery filter of God’s truth today!

In Marriage/Family, Top Menu

How To Have An Intoxicating Marriage

July 31, 2012 — 1 Comment

Recently I was reading Proverbs five and was intrigued by what Solomon said about marriage. Keep in mind Solomon has been proclaimed as the wisest man who ever lived. He also had 700 wives and 300 concubines so he probably knew a thing or two about marriage. Not that having that many wives is advisable but there is no record of his ever getting a divorce, so I ‘m just saying. Anyway, what caught my eye was the word “intoxicated.” He wrote that you should be intoxicated with your wife’s love. Think of these synonyms for intoxicated and intoxicating; merry, happy, mind-altering, exciting, invigorating, and strong. Are those words that you would like associated with your marriage?

That got me to thinking. Intoxicated people are emotionally available, generous, and uninhibited by the fears of normal people. Being intoxicated also is an experience that you want to have over and over again. Here are my thoughts from Proverbs 5:15 on having an intoxicating marriage. I have included the verses from The Message.

1. Spend time together.

Do you know the saying, “Drink from your own rain barrel, draw water from your own spring-fed well”? It’s true. Otherwise, you may one day come home and find your barrel empty and your well polluted.

Nobody ever gets married thinking that they will not spend much time together. But life has a funny way of getting in the way. The point is that if you don’t pay attention to each other and spend time together then you may come hoe one day only to find your barrel empty.

2. Learn to enjoy each other.

Your spring water is for you and you only, not to be passed around among strangers. Bless your fresh-flowing fountain! Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose—don’t ever quit taking delight in her body.

There is something magical about “taking delight in each other’s body.” God made marriage to be filled with joy ad pleasure. Find joy in the Lord and each other. You have to work on it for this to happen. Find ways to serve each other and make each other feel wanted. Spend lots of time “delighting” in each other.

3. Don’t take your marriage for granted.

Never take her love for granted!

One of the most difficult things to do in a marriage is to keep apathy from creeping in. You must be intentional about not taking each other for granted. Have a conversation tonight and search out the ways you have taken each other for granted and vow to work on doing better.

4. Build a wall of protection.

Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a whore? for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger? Mark well that God doesn’t miss a move you make; he’s aware of every step you take. The shadow of your sin will overtake you; you’ll find yourself stumbling all over yourself in the dark.

Don’t stumble into an affair or a divorce. Set up boundaries and guard your mind and your marriage.

5. Maintain discipline.

Death is the reward of an undisciplined life; your foolish decisions trap you in a dead end.

Although we do not usually associate discipline with romance we should according to this verse. Marriage takes work and discipline. You can build a powerfully intoxicating marriage if you will simply work at it!

In Marriage/Family

How To Get Your Husband To Really Listen

July 25, 2012 — Leave a comment

I have read that men speak approximately 15,000 words per day and women speak approximately 25,000 words per day. Ladies, when you see your husband after work it is not that he doesn’t want to talk. He just ran out of words for the day! Maybe that is why old married men don’t talk much. They only have a few words left and they are not going to waste them.

It is important for a wife not to get frustrated with her husband if he does not talk as much as she does. That is certainly not unusual and, unless the lines of communication are closed, it is not a cause for concern. Just make sure you understand your husband’s rhythms. Some people need to relax for a few minutes after work before they get into a deep conversation. Timing is critical for your husband to open up to you. Here are a few principles that will help you communicate with your husband in a way that he really listens.

1. R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Your husband probably receives love differently than you do. Most men receive love through feeling respected. I know that I do not have a deep need to hear the words “I love you” all them time. I certainly like to hear that but it is not nearly as important to me as feeling respected by Kim. In Ephesians 5:33 Paul told men to love their wives and women to respect their husbands. Should men respect their wives and wives love their husbands? Of course. That is simply showing two different ways that husbands and wives feel loved. Whenever a wife says things like “you always…” or “you never…” it shows a misunderstanding of this principle. Be careful not to tear your husband down either privately or publically. It will damage your ability to communicate with him.

2. Be direct with him.

It is important for you to be direct and clear with your husband. He probably doesn’t get hints as easily as you do. What may seem clear to you in a conversation may be completely lost on him. If you want to spend more time with him tell him, “I want to spend more time with you.” Don’t tell him about how cool it was that your neighbors went on a two-week cruise together. He will start thinking about how awesome the food is on cruises and go make himself a sandwich. If you want him to take out the trash tell him, “Honey, please take out the trash…now.” When you say things like, “I wish somebody would take out the trash” he agrees with you. He wishes somebody would.

3. Nix the nagging.

1 Peter 3 teaches women who are trying to reach their husbands to “communicate without any words.” That does not mean use sign language. It means that men do not respond to constant nagging. Many women make the mistake of believing that if they keep talking they will eventually wear their husband down and get him to do what he really needs to do. That does not work. I have never known a man who was “nagged to Jesus” and I have never seen a man who responds positively to nagging from his wife. He may eventually relent but he will resent it.

From yesterday’s blog about men communicating with their wives you can add 1) being kind and 2) celebrating with praise. Then you will have a winning formula for communicating with your husband in a way he will actually listen.

Send me a comment on what you would add.

In Marriage/Family, Top Menu

How To Communicate With Your Wife So She Will Make Out With You

July 24, 2012 — Leave a comment

It is no secret that men and women communicate differently. I heard an old preacher say once that men talk in headlines and women talk in fine print. Some some people like to infer that the differences between men and women are a curse but I actually believe they are a blessing. The things that make us different make us love each other and stay connected to each other.

Good communication is foundational to a successful marriage. It is also one of the most common problems in marriage since most husbands and wives have the ability to communicate but not the understanding of how to communicate with each other. Today’s post will deal with how a man can communicate better with his wife and tomorrow’s will teach women how to communicate clearly with their husbands.

Men, it is no secret that your wife needs you to talk to her. She needs you to be open and honest. It is also no secret that good communication leads to a better marriage and a better sex life. If you are a man that is probably all the motivation you need to work on your communication skills. Here are four ways to communicate with your wife so that she will make out with you more.

1. Celebrate her with praise.

1 Peter 3:9b tells us to “bless—that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing.” (MES) The word blessing is rooted in the idea of celebrating with praise. Think of how celebrating her with praise will bless your wife and you as well. It is not hard to brag about her since there are so many things you can brag about. Find something to celebrate about her and tell her to her face. You will be amazed how much it will change how she feels about you and responds to you.

2. Nix the sarcasm.

1 Peter 8:9a (MES) “Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm.” I love sarcasm. It is my friend when talking to another man. But using sarcasm when talking to my wife is just plain dumb. She does not like it. Few women do when it comes to personal relationships. I have male friends that I can greet with, “What’s up you ugly dog?” They laugh and say, “Nothing, buffalo butt.” If I ever said anything like that to my wife – even in jest – I would be under the doghouse. Most of the time, however, when we use sarcasm with our wives it is not in jest but is designed to hurt. That is sinful and it always bites us back.

3. Be kind.

Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to each other…” That is one of the simplest commands in the Bible. Just be kind. Be nice. I believe that if we obeyed that one simple command it would cut the divorce rate drastically. I can’t overemphasize how important this is. Just be nice. Your wife is dying for you just to be kind. Trust me, she will respond positively to kind words and actions. It is a game-changer.

4. Kill the cold shoulder.

Ephesians 4:27 (MES) “Don’t go to bed angry.” It is amazing to me how many couples give each other the silent treatment and go to bed angry. I heard about one Christian couple that promised they would not go to bed angry at each other. They had a lot of sleepless nights their first year of marriage. Kill the cold shoulder and talk to each other. Resolve conflict now! It will save your marriage.

What would you share about communicating with your wife?

In Marriage/Family, Top Menu

How NOT To Have An Affair – Part 2

July 17, 2012 — Leave a comment

Continued from How NOT To Have An Affair – Part 1…

Having an affair is a spiritual issue. Everything in the Christian life is directly related to our worship of God or our lack thereof. I believe that the Bible is highly practical for us as well, though. Too many people see the Bible as mysterious and think only a few can understand it. That simply is not true. The Bible does not just give prohibitions but practical steps to live your life in a positive way. Consider these four practical principles.

1. Increase your emotional intelligence.

1 Peter 3:7 states, “In the same way, you husbands should live with your wives in an understanding way…” This is very practical for married couples. Peter was saying that it is possible to learn about the emotional needs of your spouse. It needs not to be such a mystery. To use a movie analogy, if you live in Dumb And Dumber before long you will experience Sleeping With The Enemy.

2. Work on your commitment.

Anything that is neglected gets worse. This is true of your health, your finances, your business, or your golf game. It is especially true of your marriage. Don’t be guilty of thinking that you never have to work on your marriage. It, like everything else in life, is vulnerable to inattention and carelessness. I believe the most important commitment in marriage is your commitment to God. You are meant to be in a church together, to give together, and to serve together. Being involved together in regular worship, service, and small group community is critical. Do people who do these things ever have affairs? Yes, but I believe it is because they neglect an important underlying principle – worshipping God. Committing to God’s values means worshipping and obeying him. Psalm 119:9 states, “How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word and following its rules.”

3. Guard against temptation.

I wrote a bit about this in the previous blog but it bears repeating. You must establish the kind of boundaries that will keep you from giving in to temptation. Temptation is not a sin but exposing ourselves to constant and needless temptation is unwise. One of the best ways to avoid having an affair is to work on your sex life in your marriage. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:7, “Do not cheat each other of normal sexual relations, unless you both decide to abstain temporarily to make special time for prayer. But afterwards you should resume relations as before, or you will expose yourselves to the obvious temptations of Satan.”

4. Confess your sin.

The beauty of the gospel is that Christ traded his righteousness for my sin. No matter the sin forgiveness is available in Christ. Confess the sin of neglect. If you have had an affair stop it, get help and accountability, and confess it to God. One of my favorite verses in all the Bible is 1 John 1:9. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

What would you add?

In Marriage/Family, Top Menu

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